As the days get shorter and the hop cones start to weigh down your vines, it’s time to plan your fresh hop homebrew. A few tips from the woefully ill-informed and hungover.

Just to set the scene: We met over at Dave’s, since he has the most mature vines. We also made the second voyage of the converted-keg, all-grain homebrew set up. The false-bottomed all-grain was our brilliant downfall.

Tip 1: Bag the fresh hops. Unless you have some brilliant method for avoiding the stuck run-off, (Yes, we had a false bottom. Yes, we tried stirring.) the fresh cones come apart and clog your drain. We ended up pouring it out of the top of the keg into the carboy, which was pretty lame, messy, and probably unsanitary. If you DO know how to let the cones swim free in the false-bottom keg conversion without causing a clog, please leave us a comment below. Seriously.

Tip 2: Pace your drinking anytime you’re brewing all-grain. Extract brewing takes what? Two hours? With all-grain, you could be out there six hours or so. Mix in some highly potent homebrew and archive beers, and when those hops get stuck, you’ll be in no frame of mind to figure a smart solution.

Tip 3: Don’t plan anything for the next morning. I think this tip comes from Dave.

Tip 4: Don’t talk politics, especially at the end of the night.

Tip 5: Don’t be afraid of the canned bacon. As the fresh-hop homebrew festival fell at the end of Bacon Week, we sampled:

• Bacon brittle
• Bacon cookies
• BBQ bacon
• BLTs
• Bacon burgers
• Canned bacon

Tip 6: Do be very, very afraid of the intestinal aftermath of combining lots of homebrew, BBQ bacon, BLTs, bacon burgers, bacon brittle, bacon cookies, and canned bacon. Be prepared to sleep on the couch.

Tip 7: Do not use homebrew to put out a BBQ bacon grease fire.

Tip 8: Use the mostly green hops. The scent was not as hoppy as I would’ve expected considering we picked and dropped fresh hops into the boil for nearly the full hour. What type of hops were they? If you know how to identify hops, please call us. Operators are standing by.

In all, another great day in Dave’s backyard. I believe the girls from FU Cheese even made a cheese press in Dave’s woodshop, but that tale will have to wait for another day.

It’s kind of hard to believe it’s all over. We’ve spent the last 7 days of celebrating (and savoring) the candy of meats: we tried bacon candy, chocolate-covered bacon, bacon mints, and bacon-flavored jelly beans.

It wasn’t all sweet: fake bacon turns out to be a horrible, horrible invention, and we must be missing something when it comes to the bacon bra.

Bacon doughnuts were universally well-liked, as were bacon bandages, but I think the “bacon beer“, bacon wallet and bacon air freshener could go either way.

Canned bacon was the big surprise winner; I think everyone thought it would be horrible, but it was surprisingly tasty, as was the Baconator (for a fast food burger, anyway).

Bacon salt testing was a bit inconclusive. It was delicious on bland Russian dumplings, but too much for the subtle beauty of stovetop popcorn.

We had a few celebrities drop by: Sara Perry, author of the Everything Tastes Better with Bacon cookbook did an e-mail interview, as did the National Pork Board.

I know it may seem that we’ve exhausted the rich vein that is bacon, but there is so much left to do! I still have more than 20 products, links and recipes to share! In fact, I just found another one this morning, and the links keep coming! Mark your calendars for Bacon Week 2009 …

At our house, bacon is more than just a main dish for Sunday breakfast … it’s a condiment, a flavor enhancer, a cooking partner, and yes, a way of life. Fact is, there are few food situations that aren’t improved by the addition of bacon. Salads become treasure hunts with a little bacon. Burgers are really only complete when topped with a couple slices of salty goodness. And, as we’ve seen this week, sometimes even dessert is better with bacon.

Author Sara Perry took this belief to the extreme in 2002 when she authored one of my favorite cookbooks, the truthfully-titled Everything Tastes Better With Bacon. Inside its pages, Perry has created some unbelievable recipes that feature bacon as a central ingredient, but also as a savory flavor enhancer in a supporting role. There’s a fantastic meatloaf recipe (drape 3 slices of par-cooked bacon over the loaf while it bakes), a great halibut dish where the fish is cooked in parchment paper, and my personal favorite, Sizzling Herb Pasta with White Beans and Crisp Smoked Bacon.

This week, I tried two new recipes from the book that further reinforced my admiration for Sara Perry, one for Try-It-You’ll-Like-It Bacon Brittle (above), and another for Double-Crunch Peanut Butter Cookies (below) that actually used pieces of bacon brittle inside, in addition to a healthy dose of crunchy peanut butter. Both turned out fabulously, and well-balanced. There’s a bit of bacon present in both, but not in a starring role.

Through the magic of the internet, I was able to reach out to Sara, and she was kind enough to participate in an e-mail interview about bacon, cookbooks and bacon cookbooks, included below.

The Champagne of Blogs: Tea, Coffee, Cakes, Kids … BACON. One of these things is not like the other … How did you decide to do the bacon cookbook?

Sara Perry: Hmmm, which one? They’re all my guilty pleasures! The decision was easy … my Chronicle editor made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.

Truth be told: Bill LeBlond called me one day and asked if I was sitting down. “I have an idea for a book, but I know it’s going to sound odd.” So, when he told me bacon, I agreed. “Think about it,” he says. “Doesn’t everything taste better with bacon?” Could I argue? He’d been having lunch with a chef in San Francisco and the topic came up and the idea was born. I agreed, and since I LOVE bacon, I thought it would be a kick, but the only problem was a dessert chapter. “Oh, you’ll think of something,” said Bill.

It took awhile, but I immediately went back to my favorite sweet, porky taste . . . .the covering of a Honey Baked Ham. That brown sugary, salty, crunchy flavor was so adaptable and a chapter was born.

TCOB: Preparing the book, I’m sure you’ve sampled quite a few. What’s your favorite bacon?

SP: Good question. I go back to guilty pleasures here. Do you have any? Like, for instance, chocolate. Sure I love the very best, but put a cheap, chocolate-coated malted milk ball in front of me and I’ll jump you for it! So, as long as the bacon is meaty … good ratio of meat to fat; is fresh and is cooked RIGHT, I’ll snag it. When I was testing for the book, I enjoyed each and every sample I tried. I know there’s criticism out there about Neuske’s applewood bacon being too smoky (or something), but I really enjoy it. Believe it or not, Hormel makes an excellent thick-sliced bacon, but it’s only available to professional chefs. The guy at The Grateful Palate has a Bacon on the Month club that has lots of tasty delicious choices. OH WAIT. There is one kind of bacon I do not like. Period. That’s the ready to microwave bacon. One word for it: Cardboard facsimile with flavors imported straight from the New Jersey “aromatic” distilleries (not really, but it seems that way to me).

TCOB: What’s the weirdest bacon-related thing you’ve ever seen?

SP: Bacon Band-aids.

TCOB: Why do you think bacon has achieved such notoriety/infamy? What has it got that ham/prosciutto/jerky doesn’t?

SP: I go back to my book for this one: I think bacon did have a career slump, but now it’s entering it’s renaissance and it’s about time. Previously disgraced as a fat, preservative-laden meat, bacon now offers many healthier options. It’s learner; it’s tastier; and you can find it free of chemicals. Artisan-style farms are raising pigs without hormones or antibiotics and they’re producing natural organic bacons that satisfy an appetite for old-fashioned flavor.

Cooks have always known hat bacon adds shadowy richness, earthy fragrance and subtle nuance to elegant entrees and everyday comfort food. That’s because bacon has two humble but charismatic ingredients: salt and fat. Salt brings out the flavor and fat carries the flavor to our taste buds. BUT not only that: Bacon has bite! It’s chewy and crunch. Savory. Slightly sweet, and damn habit-forming.

To answer the second half of the question. It has a name. A familiarity to every American kid who ever woke up to the smell of it cooking in the skillet.

TCOB: Ever tried making your own bacon?

SP: When I wrote my first book, “The Complete Coffee Book, I tried roasting my own coffee. Over and over again. Never was very good at it, but I learned a valuable lesson. Leave it to the folks who have a passion for creating the food we love to eat. That goes for bacon too!

Okay, so what’s the best way to cook bacon???? SLOWLY. For crisp, as-you-like-it bacon, nothing beats cooking it in a cold cast-iron skillet. It’s also the best way to enjoy the delicious aroma? (Recall your first memory of bacon?) Mine is that rise-and-shine smell of weekend bacon on the stove. Bottom line: With a top-quality bacon, use a cold, heavy skillet; it’s the only way.

In a skillet large enough to hold the slices in a single layer, arrange the slices and cook over medium-low heat. Doest that seem too low? Are you used to hot bacon fat spitting a you? No more. Cooking bacon at a low temperature prevents shrinking, curling, and uneven cooking. It’s time to say “so long” to roller-coaster bacon blackened on the crest and barely cooking on the downhill.

ONE LAST SERMON: Whether you enjoy it by the pound or parcel it out by the slice, you probably think it’s really fattening. Here’s the skinny: One uncooked, meat-streaked bacon slice (a little less than an ounce) has 126 calories and 24% fat. Obviously, a lot of fat melts AWAY during cooking. That same piece COOKED has 36 calories and about 6% fat. Pretty good, huh? Sure, the values change depending on the leanness of your bacon and remember, if you use uncooked bacon in a stew or other dish, the fat has not been removed in the cooking process. CHEERS!

TCOB: Thanks, Sara. Bacon rocks, and so do you!

My friend and co-worker, Marci (aka Marci the Vegan Marathonner) bought me some bacon-themed gifts a few months ago, which was at least part of the inspiration for this week of bacon and bacon-related products. One of these products was a bacon air freshener. For cars. But as I write this, I wonder … wouldn’t an aerosol spray version be amazing? Screw Febreeze with their “fresh” scent – when someone stinks up the bathroom at work, we could cover it up with a delicious bacon scent. The smell of fresh-cooked bacon, wherever you want it. Spray it in the kitchen in the morning, and make everyone in your house think there was a bacon breakfast coming … such a cruel, cruel trick. The psychological power you’d wield … But I digress.

I think like a lot of bacon products, the packaging may be the best part of this product. The multi-lingual label is great in its optimism: as if anyone other than an American would be silly enough to buy this product. Although, the Europeans do appear to support not one, but TWO brands of bacon-flavored potato chips, so I could be wrong.

As air fresheners go, this is a well-made one, with nice, photo-quality bacon. It just looks good hanging in your car.

How does it smell? Not very bacon-y, to be honest. It’s got a savory smell to it, for sure, though I would call it generically meat-scented, and not anything I’d call specifically bacon-smelling. It has just a hint of smoke, but it does provoke a hunger response. Driving to work one day last week, I got some hunger pangs when I got in my car at the end of the day, but I wasn’t craving bacon (any more than I usually do, which is pretty often) in particular.

I did have a funny experience driving TO work, though … As I pulled onto Glisan, I noticed I was directly behind an ambulance. I think they should have been following me, though!

Yeah, that was pretty much my initial reaction to this product, too. Gross. I drifted away, thinking of the worst examples of the canned meat kingdom: potted meat, Vienna sausage, canned ham, and of course, SPAM.

Astute reader Joel sent me a link Monday to one of the most frightening web sites I think I’ve ever visited, with the certain exception of one Nate sent me last week (link withheld). MREDepot.com sells preparedness supplies (MRE stands for “Meal Ready to Eat” in army lingo), and does so with a wee bit of bravado and the ominous-sounding tagline “When disaster strikes, the time to prepare has passed …” Their customer service is, however, excellent. I ordered this product on Tuesday morning, and it was in my hands on Friday (I was too cheap to spring for express shipping), having shipped the day I ordered it. That’s the kind of preparedness I can get behind.

We had a few people over to brew beer yesterday, which provided me the opportunity to spring Yoder’s Canned Bacon on some unsuspecting friends, that is until Sarah put the kibosh on it. The guests and Sarah received some excellent farmer’s market bacon for their backyard BLT’s, while I went for the canned stuff. The things I do in the name of science …

The MREDepot.com site has gratuitous photos of the unpacking process, so I’ll cut to the chase … basically the good folks at Yoder’s take 3 pounds of raw bacon, cook it, put it down on three sheets of butcher paper, roll the paper up, and stick it in a can. When you open the can, you do the opposite process: open can, remove rolled bacon, unroll, and remove from the paper. No aspic, no gross bacon juice to pour off, just bacon and paper inside (cue Intel sound).

Beyond the very odd presentation, it was actually pretty good bacon. Way better than fast-food bacon, but not as good as rolling your own homemade bacon. Being in a can, it wasn’t crispy or warm, but a few minutes in a skillet would probably bring it up to the “delicious” category. This is legit bacon, from a can, and if the apocalypse comes, I would totally eat this again.

Kicking off Bacon Week, I spent a little time in front of the meat case at my local grocer, trying to see things with fresh eyes. What I saw was choice, and lots of it. There’s Turkey bacon (hardly bacon), smoked bacon, unsmoked bacon, cured and uncured bacon, nitrate-free bacon … it can be a little confusing. So, I asked the good folks at the National Pork Board if they’d provide some bacon guidance, and Cathy Lee Frederickson, their Online Content Manager, was kind enough to do an e-mail interview with The Champagne of Blogs.

The Champagne of Blogs: There’s a lot of terminology at the butcher counter when it comes to bacon. What is bacon exactly?

National Pork Board: The cut used to make bacon comes from the side – or belly – of the pig. When it is cured and smoked, it becomes bacon. An abundance of fat gives bacon its sweet flavor and tender crispiness.

Please note that Canadian bacon is in fact cured pork loin. It is an extremely lean choice, with only 2 grams of fat per slice. The taste and texture of Canadian bacon is similar to ham.

TCOB: What’s the difference between cured and uncured bacon? Smoked/unsmoked?

NPB: Pork belly comes from a hog’s ‘belly’ or underside after the loin and spareribs have been removed. This boneless cut may be served fresh, which means it is not cured or smoked. Pork belly is not widely available in supermarkets, but can be ordered by meatcase managers upon request. Pork belly is at its best and is most tender when prepared using a slow cooking method, such as braising. Pork belly also is a popular menu item among restaurant chefs who appreciate its versatility, flavor and texture.

Bacon is side meat that is cured and smoked.

Pancetta is also cut from the belly – like bacon – but is cured and unsmoked. Pancetta is when pork belly is rubbed with salt or immersed in a brine until the salt completely penetrates the meat. Then the meat is rubbed with aromatic herbs and spices. It is eaten thinly sliced as a cold cut or used to enhance flavor.

TCOB: How long can fresh bacon be kept in the fridge? How long can cooked bacon be kept?

NPB: For packaged bacon, store in the package in the coldest part of the refrigerator at a temperature between 36 and 40 degrees F. Check the freshness date (“open by date”) on the package. Once the package is opened, use within five to seven days.

To freeze bacon, unopened packaged bacon should be stored at 0 degrees F. for up to one month. To store smaller amounts, wrap two to six slices tightly in plastic wrap, then store in small freezer bags. Defrost by submerging the freezer bags in cold water for 10 minutes.

Generally, cooked pork should only be kept in the refrigerator for 4-5 days.

TCOB: As you have probably witnessed, bacon has become something of a cultural obsession in the US. Why do you think bacon has achieved such notoriety/infamy/obsession? What has it got that ham/prosciutto/jerky doesn’t?

NPB: I can’t say for sure. In my own personal opinion, because it’s awesome, also I believe Homer Simpson might have something to do with that.

TCOB:What’s the weirdest bacon-related thing you’ve ever seen?

NPB: Bacon Flag/Pledge, International Bacon Day, the Royal Bacon Society, the Bacon Martini, and my personal favorite, the Bacon Alarm Clock.

TCOB: This may shock you, but supermarket “Bacon Bits” are actually vegetarian … what’s up with that?

NPB: Stick with the real thing.

TCOB: We will. Of course we will. Thanks for your time, Cathy.

While moving some desks and computers around at work this afternoon, I mashed the knuckle of my middle finger on my right hand. I’m not terribly injury-prone, but I have been carrying in my work bag a solution to just such a problem since Monday morning: a tin of Bacon Bandages, again from the fine folks at Archie McPhee. Hey, they say salt heals all wounds. Or is that time?

The most surprising thing about these bandages is how well-made they are … the printing quality is very high, and the die-cut shape of the bandages is very cool … these are a fashion statement as much as a wound cover.

Of all the bacon products I have received for review this week, Uncle Oinker’s Bacon Mints are the one I have been most dreading. Reviews online are pretty universally negative: ” … One of the worst tasting candies/mints I have ever had …” and, “Surprisingly, these mints smell worse than they actually taste” are pretty typical comments. So I decided to play the “unbiased observer card,” and made my co-workers and friends do the review for me. I took their reactions as they tasted, and I’ll let you decide for yourself whether or not you’d put one of these mints in your mouth.

I am a popcorn freak. I have been regularly consuming popcorn since I was a wee pup. Hell, popcorn basically got me through art school. I’m growing some in my backyard. That’s how much I love popcorn. So I was stoked when I heard that bacon salt supposedly paired well with popcorn*. In actual fact, saying popcorn goes well with bacon salt is like saying orange juice goes well with toothpaste. Bacon salt added to popcorn basically makes popcorn taste like BBQ Lays potato chips. I am not happy with this pairing. Please do not do this.

Before Bacon Salt: popcorn taste. Oily, a bit nutty. Needs salt.

After Bacon Salt (Original Flavor): Tastes like BBQ Lay’s Potato chips, and not in a good way. Needs salt.

* It should perhaps be noted that I am a bit of a purist with my popcorn prep. I eschew the microwave (upstart technology) and go with a oiled pan on the stove, and add salt. It’s really the only way.

I have not been afraid this week. Many of my friends and family have expressed their concerns about the amount of fat and sodium I am ingesting this week, but the fact is, I haven’t actually eaten that much bacon, instead focusing mainly on bacon-inspired products. Today, though, I was afraid. I had butterflies as I drove up Sandy Boulevard in the direction of Wendy’s to face … the Baconator.

(I also made the mistake of looking at its nutritional information on Wendys.com before eating.)

For the uninitiated, non-American or TV-less among you, the Baconator is a new-ish sandwich from the Wendy’s fast food chain. It’s two 1/4 pound beef patties, each topped with a slice of cheese (American, of course). Before being slathered with ketchup and mayo, this thing is topped with SIX slices of bacon. That’s one for every finger on your left hand, plus one. That’s a lot of bacon. It’s also a LOT of fat and calories, 51 grams and 830, respectively, perfect for the wannabe diabetic in your life.

I got mine with a medium Coke and french fry, bringing my caloric total to 640, and dollar total to $6.88, making my cost per calorie just a little less than 1 cent/calorie. Mmm, frugal.

It actually wasn’t bad. Wendy’s prides itself on its fresh, never-frozen beef, and the burgers actually tasted pretty beefy. The bun was un-smooshed and looked like a bun, which is always a surprise at fast food … I’ve had my share of burgers from other chains that resembled a thin disk of mystery meat between two misshapen pancakes, but the bun actually looked like the picture … almost a little too perfect, though. And the bacon? Disappointing. It was the thin, overly sweet, too bacon-flavored, plasticky-textured fast food bacon that tastes really, really fake. It’s trying too hard to taste like bacon, and fooling no one.

Actually, it did fool someone … apparently Zagat is suddenly doing fast food reviews, and Wendy’s hamburgers are now Zagat-rated.

Still, I pressed on, and managed to finish the entire burger. Unfortunately, while I was distracted, the fries had gone cold, and lacking enough salt (or is my tongue becoming cured?), I couldn’t bring myself to finish them. I figure I’m probably closer to 1.2 cents/calorie. I did manage to eat enough fries to reveal something on the tray beneath my mound of fatty food, something I can only assume is a prayer for those in the beginning stages of a heart attack. I give you … The Baconator’s Creed:

I am a true MEATATARIAN because …
I feel bacon should be its own food group.
I eat, sleep and breathe beef and bacon.
I have ketchup running through my veins.
I will only recognize cheese if it is on a hamburger.
I know the secret to true happiness is hickory smoked bacon.
I believe the Baconator® is the true 8th Wonder of the World.