The Champagne of Blogs

Here’s the new, cleaned up Fart Duckers logo I have been working on for … mmm … the last 3 years. Better late than never, right? I still need to add “Portland, Oregon” and the “Taste the Wind” phrase to it, and then I’ll call it done.

Here’s how the logo looks on the “Black and White Classic” bowling shirt from BowlingShirt.com, a PADA sponsor. The shirts are $37.95 each and stitching can be added above the pocket for an additional 4.95. I think this could be an option on a person-by-person basis; if you want your name on there, it’s $5 extra.

Here’s another option from the same company, the “White and Black Retro” bowler. This is also $37.95 and can also be customized with your name embroidered if you so desire.

As a final option, we could also go with simple black t-shirts, which are much cheaper (about $14 each), but I want to hear what the rest of the team thinks. Also, please e-mail me with your size. They have Small all the way through XXXXXXL. I am not joking.

When I was a kid, the Iowa State Fair was a BIG deal. When Sarah and I went home this August, we arrived just in time to partake in this annual Iowa tradition, and it was bigger than ever, and not just because we went on the last weekend. We started things off in the produce building, which houses things like the biggest watermelon, the biggest tomato, the biggest potato, etc. Big is what matters, and it is on display everywhere at the fair. Including the portions at the Iowa Dairymen’s Association Ice Cream booth, where Sarah sampled a “small” strawberry ice cream for three dollars.

The Dairymen are most renowned for another attraction, however – the world-famous Butter Cow, sculpted since 1959 by Iowan Norma “Duffy” Lyon. Each year, Duffy re-creates the fair icon, re-using the butter from year to year. The line is several hundred people long, as seeing the cow each year is a rite of passage no parent could afford to skip. Children everywhere are thankful they stopped sculpting the macabre but tasty “Lard Pig” in the 1950s. This is not a joke.

In recent years, she has created additional sculptures to keep interest up, sculpting such illustrious subjects as Da Vinci’s Last Supper, Elvis, John Wayne, and this year, a life-sized Superman, more powerful than a massive coronary.

Our dairy appetites satiated, we made our way to one of my personal favorite food vendors, the Iowa Pork Producers Council. You may remember them as the creators of that well-known and convenient delicacy, the Pork Chop on a Stick. Finally, the smoky deliciousness of pork with all the convenience of a popsickle.

Having eaten a recognizable bit of pork flesh, my sense of adventure was heightened, and I ventured onward in search of that mysterious icon of fair fare, the Corn Dog. With origins shrouded in myth and coating breadlike, this culinary delight did not disappoint. The moist, cornbread-like crust concealed a juicy hot dog within, and I reached a higher plain of consciousness. Or perhaps it was just a higher blood pressure.

The main course finished, it was time for dessert, and there is no dessert more Iowa than the Dutch Letter, a pastry that hails from Pella, Iowa, home of the annual tulip festival, as well as a large Dutch population. Apparently, Pella’s particular dialect of Dutch needs only one letter (S), as the traditional Dutch Letter takes the form of only the 19th letter of the English alphabet. At the Iowa State Fair, a Stick is added, spawning the new and improved “Dutch Letter on a Stick.” Stupendous.

Better get something healthy to wash all that crap down. Whew! A little fruit juice, refreshingly cut with a cup and a half of sugar.

My arteries choking with fat, I had to pass up this delectable, Deep-Fried Macaroni on … you guessed it … a stick. Sensing a pattern here? This stand also offered deep-fried Oreo cookies and Twinkies. As for the signage, only Comic Sans would work here, a bit of neccessary whimsy to disguise the plaque-producing evil lurking beneath the festive green and purple bunting.

About this point, Gabe and Brandy joined us, and Gabe dove right in with some deep-fried cheese curds (not pictured). Only in Iowa would Ragu pizza sauce be a condiment. And only at the State Fair would a pump top be added to the Catholic-family-sized container.

Bellies full, it was time for another State Fair tradition: ogling the animals (and their Wrangler-wearing owners). Most dramatic is the Big Bull, which, as you might suspect, is the biggest bull in Iowa as of August 10th, 2006.

After that, it was on to the Big Boar, aka “The Big Pig,” this year topping the scales at a whopping 1800 lbs. That’s a lot of bacon.

While the Big Pig’s size is incredible, no less incredible were the testicles on the second-biggest boar. I am not exagerrating when I say that EACH of the testicles was as large as my head. Sorry Angus, he’s got the biggest balls of them all.

We’d had our fill of big pigs, gargantuan grapes, terrible tomatoes and arrested arteries. It was time to go. But … we had not seen … the BIGGEST REDNECK, who stomped by as we made our way towards the exit.

This manlike beast topped the scales at an estimated 350 lbs., and came prepared to do battle with the fair’s unaware concessionaires.

Note the bellyless shirt, designed to give way to ever-expanding gut. Marvel at the advanced cooling system which allows energy-depleting heat to escape quickly. He has been bred for this day, and his owner is not going to let the “Biggest Redneck” award go to just anyone. As you can see, the breeder has branded his prize entry with tens of identifying tattoos to claim his prize. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what the Iowa State Fair is all about.

On previous return trips to Des Moines, I have seen evidence of a growing awareness of craft beers. For me, it began with Sam Adams being carried at the Greenwood Lounge (Des Moines’ oldest bar) many years ago, followed by Summit and Boulevard’s beers appearing on menus at restaurants around town. Local breweries like Racoon River Brewing and Court Avenue have also helped immensely. The trend has escalated rapidly in recent years, with new downtown beer bars The Royal Mile (Scottish-style pub with lots of Scotch/British/Irish beers) and The Red Monk (Great Belgian bottle selection). I have sampled eagerly each of the new offerings, and found one thing or another lacking (The Red Monk being probably the smokiest bar I have ever been in). I am undoubtedly a beer snob, but I know what I like.

I like “El Bait Shop,” a new beer bar that has opened on the south side of Des Moines’ downtown area, at the site of the original Hairy Mary’s. For those following at home, Hairy Mary’s is a Des Moines icon, a tiny music venue/bar that’s been host to many “I-saw-them-when” bands like the Smashing Pumpkins, Dave Matthews, etc. It’s not the Fillmore, but for Des Moines, it rocks.

Anyway … I was going to write a big huge review of this place like I did for the Raccoon River Brewing, but Juice’s Tim Paluch wrote one a lot better that I wholeheartedly agree with.

Instead, I will give you a list of the beers I consumed that night while playing an amazing fishing arcade game (Sega Bass Fishing). If the list seems obscenely long, note that El Bait Shop has 100s of beers on tap and in bottles. Also remember that I was imbibing with friends from high school that I see pretty infrequently. (That disclaimer was for my mom).

1. Flying Dog Snake IPA: Nicely balanced draught with plenty of hops. Second choice when I discovered they were out of Three Floyd’s Alpha King. My first beer in a week with 6%+ abv and the flavor-carrying power shows.
2. Breckenridge Brewing’s Avalanche Amber: Clear and refreshing, malty but crisp with light German hops and fine carbonation. Reminds me a lot of Full Sail’s Amber. On draught.
3. Goose Island IPA: Chicago brewery with a northwest-style IPA. Nice floral hops and good bitterness with high drinkability. Somewhere between a Deschutes Inversion and Bridgeport IPA. On draught.
4. Saranac Pale: Clear. I stopped taking notes as I got more involved in the fishing. Mellow, low alcohol (whew!) and very drinkable. The tap handle was a canoe, which I thought was cool. On draught.
5. Flying Dog Horn Dog Barleywine: Whoa, alcohol. Sweet, but delicious. Very malty, not much hops. Almost syrupy. Bottle.
6. Great Divide DPA (Denver Pale Ale): Bottle, tasty IPA reminiscent of Red Hook IPA. Bottle.
7. Dogfish Head 60-minute: Had it before, delicious as always. Bottle.

I just got back from visiting the family in Iowa and Minnesota, and was able to sample a fair number of local-ish brews. We’ll start, as Sarah and I did, in Des Moines, with the Raccoon River Brewing Company.

Raccoon River has been open in Des Moines since I left in 2001, and while I was interested in beer in those days, I wasn’t interested enough to drive downtown for a sample very often. When I lived in Des Moines, it was a bit of a singles scene after work, and an older crowd. On the plus side, there have always been full-size pool tables, and until 3 weeks ago, a healthy (or not) cigar smoking area upstairs.

I ventured downtown on Sunday with Sarah to meet pals Gabe Lueders and Josh Carlson. I was also re(?)-introduced to Scott, who is manager at Raccoon River, and a good friend of Gabe’s from the local disc golf scene. Scott was a patient and knowledgeable source of beer info as he proceed to whip Gabe and I on the pool tables.

My first sample was their Bandit IPA, touted as their “strongest and most highly hopped ale.” My advice: don’t tell someone from the west coast that your beer is hoppy or strong and then act surprised when they tell you it isn’t. Which is not to say this beer wasn’t good, but no comparison to a C-Note or even the milder Bridgeport IPA. A clear, golden beer with a nice creamy mouthfeel and very elegant carbonation, almost nitro in nature. This nice, low-carb mouthfeel was to persist across the Raccoon River beers I tasted. Bandit IPA would be a good session, or “lawn-mowing” IPA.

Next up was the Scotch Ale, an interesting story in itself. Apparently, the beer is based on a homebrew recipe from Mark Simpson that took “Best of Show” and won Mark “Homebrewer of the Year” status at the American Homebrewers Association (AHA) 2006 Homebrew Competition under a former small-batch name of “Sand Hill Scottie.” I didn’t get to taste the 10-gallon version Mark made, but head brewer Dave Coy’s high-capacity version of the beer was pretty tasty, with a ton of maltiness and just a touch of Belgian-type funky sourness to it. Hops were just barely discernible, probably something German or English, I’d guess. Not the best beer I’ve ever had, but a solid and creamy, drinkable beer, very true to its category.

You can listen to an interview with Mark Simpson and Charlie Papazian on WOI’s web site in Real Player format.

My final beer was a new, seasonal Pilsener that was just released (replacing the West Coast Wheat I was looking forward to trying out). Billed by Scott as “if-you-like-hops-you-will-love-our-pilsener,” it was hoppier than the IPA, but not by a lot. Still, this was a very refreshing beer, with crisp apple notes, subtle hops and a very mellow malt presence. Did I mention creamy?

Overall, I was pleased to drink some local brews, but the beers at Raccoon River are just not yet in a position to compete with more flavorful micros being produced elsewhere in the country. As a former native, I think I can (without sounding too elitist) say that Des Moines is in its heart still a Bud Light town, and while the brews at Raccoon River are pushing tastes pretty far from St. Louis, they’re nowhere near the rest of the country yet. I was to receive more evidence of this phenomenon a few days later …

On a final note, I think some of the beers’ average-ness may be in some part a matter of chemistry. According to Iowa liquor laws, no beer brewed in the state can top 6% abv. While there are plenty of great beers being brewed elsewhere in the country at or below that artificial threshold, it is a chemical truth that more complex flavors tend to be carried by alcohol. More alcohol, more complexity. More complexity, better beer. Were Iowa brewers given a little more leeway with their alcohol content, I think you’d see some more interesting beers.

For a more thorough look at Iowa’s arcane beer laws, visit LiftTheLimit.org

Many thanks to Scott for the beers, the info and the pool lesssons. And happy wedding!